Monday, February 28, 2005

Miss McMuffin

So the Waco show was cancelled. At other times, in another universe, to another TJ McCloud, this would be a bad thing. A thing to fret over. Not this weekend. I had been out of town for two and a half weeks. I was ready to go absolutely crazy. Baylor called and wanted to reschedule the show- I was all for it. I have never been so glad to lose money before!
I played the last Abilene show (which went well, by the way), and packed up the next morning and got on the road to Nashville. Thirteen hours was nothing that day- I didnt tell anyone and just drove home, sounding sad on the phone with Holly but exploding in my heart because i knew that I was on my way to see her. Wow. Great feeling.
The Abilene shows were good. I felt bad for Tamara about the recruiting show- didnt have so many people show up... I have a prety good idea of how much they spent that night and I think that they expected more than fifty highschool kids to come. I had fun seeing everyone and spending time talking about my old alma-mater- but all in all- it was kind of a bust.
The second show was great- I played in the BeanSprout with Poor Rich Folk- lots and Lots of people there and a good number of CDs sold. that is always good news.
My sister and her best friend came with me to see the campus- i think they had a good time. They were a little tired the whole time- seemed like we just drove and drove and drove- but I think that they at least got a good look at ACU and what their lives would be like there.
OK- Saturday morning- My sis and her friend are staying in Nelson dorm- the girls they are staying with left for the night but they let them stay there alone. I get up- in a hurry to get back to Nshville and Holly- get to the dorm at the appointed time of 6:30am. No dice. No one there. I call my sis' cell- its is turned off. I call it again. still off. Hmmm. what to do.
I go into the dorm lobby and ask for the room's phone number to call the land line. There is this large girl sitting at the desk knitting, eating, and watching Japanimation cartoons- Dragonballz or something inane like that.I tell her the situation- my sis is in the dorm and I need to get her out- As I ask her for the number- she looks at me and lets me know that she doesnt approve of me. She's like nineteen. She gives me the number and I call- no luck. no one there- I call ten or fifteen more times and still no answer. Just Jordan's voicemail again and again. Ok. This is a help desk- surely she can help me.
I again let the desk girl know what is happening. Ask her if she could walk down and knock on 104 for me. Its like twenty feel away.
"I cant leave the desk- sorry." She goes back to watching and knitting and eating.
I am thinking- the desk or the egg mcmuffin...?
OK... so now what to do. I go back to the phone and try a few more times. Nada
Back to Miss McMuffin-
My name is TJ McCloud- Ill give you my ID or whatever- Ill watch the desk for thirty seconds while you go knock on a door.
"Im really sorry but i cant help you right now. "
Hmmm. OK.
I go out the the car- call my parents and get MP's friends' number- I call her cell... its off. I call Jordan's voice mail a few more times. TIck tock... I see myself gettting into nashville later and later. I just need to get the girls to Dallas and my parents will take them- then I can go HOME. This fat girl is now in my way.
OK- I go back into the lobby.
I tell her I am going to have to go wake the girls up if she cant go in there and do it for me. She tells me she cant let me do that. I ask her how she feels like she would handle this situation. She looks at me and says nothing.
You have crumbs on your chin. I wanted tosay it but didnt.
Can I hve the nieghbors number? 105 could knock on the door.
"Do youhave a last name? I cant give it to you without a last name."
She just gave me the other room without a last name.
I ask her what the dorm director's name and number is- maybe the dorm director will wake the girls up at seven and be happy about it.
She tells me that the dorm director is not in, but she would be happy to give me the number if I wanted it. At this point- I am wanting to strangle something.
I again explain the situation and ask her what she could do from the Help desk standpoint. What if there was a fire- would you wake up the girls, then? Would you leave your little japanimation, then? What if there was an emergency and I had to get the girls out of the room and cant get in touch with them.
Is there anyone who can walk down there and knock on that door? Anyone who can leave thier desk and do it?
This, apparently, was the magic question.
She looks at me as though I had solved the riddle and foiled her evil plan. She calls an RA.
Is there any other RA that could do it?
She looks at me and burns her little beady eyes into my brain.
She picks up the phone and calls - Answer. Question. REsponse. hang up- "Shes going to knock on the door."
HallelujaH!!!! I won- I beat her! I won!!!!!
The girls were out in five and I was on my way. Only an hour late. All because I didnt know the magic words to get Miss McMuffin and her Japaniquilting butt into action at the HELP desk.
ACU- I miss you.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

At least I got paid...

Labette County Community College is not the place to have a concert. Drove up to Parsons, KS last night for the 8:00 show. It is only about 2 hours from Tulsa, so I left in the early afternoon and got there at four oclock. Along the way I tried to call the Campus activities person several times to let her know that I was on the way and see where they wanted me to stay tonight. No one home. Left a message and figured she would call me back. I call a few more time to see if I can catch her- nada.
I get there, look for the little road green sign that points me to the College, walk on campus, search for the campus activities office, find it- its locked, lights out. No sign. No other campus personnel can tell me where to check in. OK- not a big deal.
I drive down the main drag a few miles and start checking at different hotels and motels if I have a reservation.
Labette Cottage Inn (please, no).... never heard of me.
Kelsey Motel....never heard of me
Best Western .... nope.
Finally, the Super 8 crests the hill and I stop in to find my home for the night. Bingo- they know me and they have wireless internet access. Thats what I like to hear. I take a shower, watch CNN and get ready for the show- expecting a cell phone call from this lady at the school- nada.
I drive up to the school, notice on a flyer with my picture that the concert is actually in the campus theatre, find the theatre, open the doors, turn on the lights, and start to unload my equipment. At this point I am wondering if the lady has forgotten about the show...Hmm
Show is at 8:00- it is 7:15. They are supposedly providing sound. I set up all my gear and sit down at the piano they have backed up on the stage, and plunk around for twenty minutes.
She finally shows up at 7:40 and has a wrestler lugging a Fender Passport P.A. that he sets on the stage and leaves for me to figure out. She says about three words to me- Hi- "glad you made it"... maybefive words.
I set up the sound system while she goes and does something... i dont know-
I sit back down and wait for 8:00 to roll around. No one is in the theatre. Just me and the lights.At this point i am hoping no one shows up.
7:59... No one but me. The organizer rolls in at 8:10 and says--- well... i guess you can go!
In walks one of her other organizer buddies- and a student I met in the hall and invited- i think she might have been a student/janitor.
I mention that I can sit and play a few songs if they like- I hate to take their money with no singing at all- so we sit down and i play four songs and then pack up and leave. She forgot my check but I can pick it up in the morning.OK.
For this- I missed Scrubs and Committed. Oh well. Get home early- call Holly and talk for hours and hours while she organizes the closet and I watch silent CNN.Thank you Cingular family talk. Small pleasures are the best ones.
Today I just drove home and packed up for Abilene. Taking my sis and her best friend down for a little recruiting action. She will be a Wildcat yet, you just wait and see...

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

The End (finally) of StephenSpeaks

Well, ladies and gentlemen, after seven years of fun, craziness, and being so mad I could throw up, StephenSpeaks is finally over for me. This is not something that came as a suprise- in fact, it is something I have been trying to get accomplished for a long time. Yesterday, Ryan Rockwell Ripperger signed a contract that says that I have no ownership or liability in the partnership that was StephenSpeaks. Basically, if anyone comes after him- they can't come running to me. I am pleased with this, not only because it protects me, takes care of a couple of legal questions that i had, but also because it puts the whole thing to bed for me. I dont ever have to be upset that (Rockwell) is still using the name StephenSpeaks because I just signed a contract that says he can. I still think it is a bad move for him, but I cant tell him what to do.
It is hard in some ways- I wrote most of those songs and sang them and performed them... it is wierd to think that someone else is now making a career off of covers of "Out of My League".
This contract means a lot to me- I have spent the last however many years of my life with the question of Ryan on my brain-knowing that we shouldnt work together, never knowing if I could trust him, never knowing if I am being cheated or not by "Rippley Records". All the horrible things this guy said about me on message boards and in emails... its all over. Nothing between us. No business relationship at all. Just old buddies who live in different towns. That is nice. I feel slightly warm feelings for the guy for the first time in years.
Ryan is a good guy. I still love him and in some ways consider him one of my oldest friends. We still, strangely enough, know each other pretty well. He just doesnt need to handle anything but his own life- and when we were in business together- well, we both were depending on each other and niether of us were dependable.
He is going to do well- he is talented and (i think) is a much better producer and engineer than a singer/songwriter. As for me- I'll keep doing this as long as I feel like it is heading somewhere- and right now, we are really getting to some good places with music.
It is good to have all this over and on paper and settled in our hearts. I am TJ McCloud- I can build a career on my own songs and name and image. That is so much better than running around trying to explain why Stephen is not at the show.
Today is Parsons, KS. A small town- I think the community college might be bigger than the town. Show starts at 8:00 and Ill come back after that and pick up Mickey Page and her friend to go to Abilene for the weekend. Should be a fun weekend- two shows in Abilene and some time to see Garrett and Jarod and the Pinsons and Alec and whoever else is around. Looking forward to it- wish me luck in Parsons- Love yall-

Monday, February 21, 2005

Interviews, Ripperger, and Hell

The concert last night at 1st Pres went great- sold a good number of Cds and was able to talk to a bunch of kids- most of whom only knew StephenSpeaks- they all wanted to know why we broke up- and i gave them the nice version. Still trying in some ways to let people know that if they liked SS- well- im kind of the guy who wrote and sang all those songs... One at a time- I guess...
Have a couple of interviews today- one with the TV station that did the show on Saturday night and one with Urban Tulsa- Should be good exposure in this market, at least. Still hard to get the word out to everybody who is interested when you dont live in a place- just pass through several times a year. Tulsa, in many ways, is still my musical home-base.
It was good to be back at Park Plaza yesterday- ended up seeing bunches of old friends, etc. Always makes me really glad I dont still live in Tulsa, though. I wonder sometime what that life would have been like- but truthfully- I dont think I could have done it for long, in any case. I wonder at Ripperger- He seems to be happy here- that's great-but I would have thought Tulsa would feel too small for him. He and I are getting together for dinnner tonight- hopefully he will sign this contract and we will be officially done working together forever. Then, just old buddies who used to be in a band- not business partners.
News on Jonathan ******- sounds like he is doing better and better- if you are interested in keeping up and sending a message to the family- check out his family's blog- .
From here on out, today- I try to be a movie reviewer. Not sure why- but read on if you like.
Last night I saw a crazy movie. As I have mentioned before- I like strange things. Things that would not interest most people. This falls into that category. Constantine, the new movie with Keanu Reeves, is a sci-fi, religious based horror/action/deep thinking movie. Kind of like the Matrix goes to hell, in some ways. Keanu plays the same morose character that he usually does- only this time with cigarettes. Based on a comic book series, this movie follows the Keanu character through his earthly (and otherwise) fight with both Heaven and Hell as he tries to keep both sides in balance and kill enough bad guys to earn his own salvation. Sound like an oscar winner?
Now- I was pumped about this movie. I love religious themed movies-it always interesing, if also mostly maddening. I convinced my sister to go with me (bad move) and we sat through two hours of not-good acting and disturbing world(eternity)view.
Hell, in the movie, looks like Los Angeles after the nulear holocaust. Everything is crumbling and firey- about like you'd expect. Demons, who look like Gollum with his head chopped in half, set to tearing up human souls. Pretty "Inferno"-based, and largely not too scary. If that is all Hell is- well its not Hellish enough. Great effects, but not especially original in any way.
The movie will spark some good conversations- but maybe more about the cross shaped shotgun Keanu wields than the theological underpinning of the film. High point:- Gabriel. At one point, this androgynous, slightly foul-mouthed angel answers Keanu's question-
"Haven't I done enough for Him (God)? What more does He want?"
Gabriel answers- "That's just not how it works- none of that matters to Him-He wants what he has always wanted- self sacrifice, repentance and faith."
Later in the movie- Gabriel continues- "All your sins, all your failings- and the Creator of the Universe has offered you complete redemption from yourselves. Just for repentance and faith. You are the only ones who can boast this claim, and still you ignore Him and wallow, mired in your own wretchedness."
I felt like that was pretty close for Hollywood. Apart from all the other theological mumblings of the movie- that gave me a little hope that people might take something good away from this. As for me- well... Im not a Rachel Weisczxcz(however you spell it) fan and while i really liked the (first) Matrix movie- i felt like this movie had the same problem as they last two Matrix films in many ways- too much underdeveloped philosophy to make the script compelling. As a Christian- I just wanted to scream at the writers- "Hey! Dont you get it that God and the Satan aren't exactly playing with the same deck of cards!!!?? And the movie's premise that God and the Devil can't directly intervene is heresy- considering Jesus was God's ultimate intervention.
In the end- same old same old. All the old, wierd Catholic stuff being drug back out and used poorly. Those things take the focus off of the more important (and scarier) realities of eternity. The idea that there are charms and magic latin words and undiscovered books of the Bible- disturbing portrayals of suicide- even the whole Son of Satan thing- its all here and really weighs down what could have been a pretty good, slick, thoughtful action film. In the end, I hope that it does spark some conversations- and I hope that none of you spend your money on this movie.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Jonathan's Accident

I guess I wanted to talk about the show tonight- it went really well. We had a great time and the video footage will be amazing to have. They had six cameras, with a track, a couple of jibs (the long armed cameras), a fly camera (one of those guys on the crane... it was cool. Possibly going to air internationally with the" Live @Studio B" program with LeSea Broadcasting. That would be great, but I cant really talk about it now. It really doesnt seem to matter right now.
I just found out Jonathan ******, a friend and son of one of our elders at Otter Creek, was hit by a truck last night in New York City. He was walking across a street and was hit. He was hurt very badly and was in surgery for eight hours. He has no paralysis and no brain damage, but has lost so much blood that the doctors have said this week might determine whether he makes it or not. At this point I only know what i have heard from Holly- She told me and I seriously just dont know how to react...Jonathan is absolutely the golden boy of Otter Creek. You know him- the best looking, smartest, nicest, servant hearted guy who everyone and their dog loves. The kind of guy who im not sure i like at first because im not sure if he is for real. Well, he is, and Im really at a loss about this deal. He and I arent best buds or anything but I really look up to him. I keep feeling like- he has to be ok- hes Jonathan ******. I cant believe that God is done using him. He is absolutely amazing. Vanderbilt football player- perfect SAT scores, perfect grades, Missionary to Ukraine for a year, Accepted to Oxford for the Fall- He has got to be ok... right? I guess I just ask that you guys pray for him- Pray for his family- Pray for the Otter Creek family. This will be hard on everyone around there- no matter what happens. thanks- ill keep you all updated. Love you guys- TJ

Friday, February 18, 2005

A Busy Day in Tulsa

Today was busy. Kind of.
Chapel show at 8am,
Jenks TV show at 10:30,
lunch meeting with Don Millican (he financed the album) at 12:00pm,
visit to my Gparents at 2:00,
and stealing chairs from my church at 4:00.
dinner with the 'rents at 6:00
and a screening of "Collateral" - again, w/ the parents.

The Chapel show went well- lots of cute kids who might just go buy a CD and come to the show tomorrow.
The Jenks show went good- I really had no idea there was a live audience- a "cousin" of mine set it up. I say "cousin" because he is actually the stepson of holly's 2nd or 3rd cousin. Seventh grade- definitely a fan- he is really a good kid and set this up with his teachers. We emailed back and forth for a month- now he has my cell #- calls me twice a day to talk about online RPGs... cracks me up. Got to figure out how to keep him from calling so much.

The lunch meeting w. Don went great- He is a great man who has a heart for using rescouces for God. He has been blessed financially and for one reason or another- decided to bless me. We are close to paying off the CD- he really could care less if we do or not- just excited to be involved. He really encourages me that God uses us in so many ways- we cant all be a hand, or an eye, or a wallet in the Body of Christ- but God will surely use us for His glory if we give ourselves to his will.

My grandparents- really getting old. Love 'em but they are slipping. Spent an hour or so teaching them how to use their new cell phones. They invited the whole Seniors group from thier church to the show- they say everyone will be there... Not sure i want the AARP sitting on the front rows of this televised concert... Maybe we rope off the first two rows.

We decided we might need more chairs for the show tomorrow- steal them from the House of God. Dad and I loaded them up - then he locked his keys in the truck. Now we know where i get it... An hour later- AAA showed up and spent twenty seconds pooping the lock. Scary its that easy.

Dinner was good- ran into an old buddy and his new fiancee- Josh Fugate. Good to see him and remember some middle school memories. Watching

Watching "Collateral" with my mom- yeah... maybe theres a better way to watch that movie. Tried to reason that the violence in this movie is no worse than flocks of birds pecking people to death in the Birds... she didnt buy it.

Concert tomorrow- be praying for me- i am nervous about this one... TV cameras and all...

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Back from DUrant

Back from the Durant show- it was good, but not well attended. Alas, yet another college show. Hard to do with no campus support, really. But- they treated me nice and I got paid- which is more than some, for sure. As I left they gave me a goodie bag full of fruit and cokes and chips and a honkin' sixfoot turkey sub wrapped in cellophane. At 10:00pm. Who am I- Joey Tribiani? I thanked them and threw most of it away- The turkey sub? Ate part of it for breakfast on the way home this morning.
Got up at 5am to drive back- had to make a chapel appearance in Broken Arrow by 9:00am. Snoozed until 5:45 -then booked it with my Turkey sub back to Tulsa. The chapel was fun- about 125 mid- to high schoolers at a private christian school. Led a little worship and then played the Christian cuts off the album. Sold ten Cds or so- went well- hoping these kids will come to the Saturday show.
Ok- the Saturday show should be really cool. We met with the production team that is doing the filming this morning and everything looks really professional. I am pumped about it- they will have four cameras taping and one of them will be on the fly- one of those crane deals... Im excited. Should be great video footage and they think that it might get international coverage on this Christian network- could be cool... not exactly NBC- but cool.
Tonight- hang with the Fam. Possibly get together with my Arch-nemesis Ripperger... just kidding- He's going to sign the contract I gave him so that i am no longer legally, financially, or otherwise liable for anything he does as StephenSpeaks. Whew. In return I give him the rights to the name and the old album... probably not the smartest business move, but it feels good to get it all over with. He's got no reason to post hate messages about me anymore- and I have no reason to wonder if he is screwing me when its in his best interest. It sounds like he has really grown up lately- me too, for that matter. I hope he does well- even if I don't think its a good move for him to use the name StephenSpeaks.
Well- enough talk- i gotta take a nap. see yall soon.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Lewis and Clark and Home

Got to Tulsa after about a ten hour drive- not nearly as bad as i thought it would be. Mostly two lane the whole way- there is not good road straight south from SD to OK. Ended up seeing a lot of the country, though... these small, one light towns are always interesting and always leave me wanting to stop and walk around the square- see who the town's founders are.
I also found that I pretty much followed the Lewis and Clark trail much of the way. That was interesting, just thinking about the landscape and what it must have looked like to them. Also- taking solace in the fact that I am making the trip about six months faster than they did. I would have liked to have my own Sacajewea along, though.( I mean Holly- not some Indian girl).
As I pull into Tulsa, I start to feel strange- that feeling that you are returning... I dont care where, really- but somewhere that you knew and now is in some way alien to you now. I had the distinct feeling that the skyline was not mine anymore. Wierd. Im not sure I can even say with any conviction that I feel like an Oklahoman anymore- Not that I am singing Rocky Top every morning, but in many ways- Tennessee is home for me now. It's where just about everything I care about is- My wife, my dog, my chances at a music career, my church. About the only things not there are my Parents and my friends from school. Any of you who have moved feel that way? It really took me by suprise.
Even being at home in Tulsa feels strange now- without Holly. Like a part of me is missing. I love to see Mom and Dad, and am excited to hang with MickeyPage- but "home" really is where Holly is for me. Felt like a visitor in my Mom and Dad's house. I guess that is the first time I have felt that way. Pretty cool, i guess. Strange, but cool. I guess it's normal? Does this mean I am turning into a real- live adult?

Also- couldnt sleep and looked around the other blog pages- man, there is some stuff on there to give one pause about the future of the human race... I had no idea when i started blogging that I was entering into such a world full of screwball people. I mean, half the stuff on these pages I cant make any sense at all out of. On the flip side- Looking around these pages really reminds me that there are so many people who are broken and crying out for someone to help them. My first reaction is to point and laugh at these freakazoids- I think Jesus would probably let his heart break with theirs. Glad that Im a broken pot too- just wish I remembered it more.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Miles and Miles and Miles and Miles

Today I am just driving. South Dakota to Oklahoma. Wish me luck. Pray for the Rav4. Pray for cheap Mid-Western gas. Pray that my books on tape dont skip or the tapes foul up. (that makes for an unhappy TJ) Love you guys- Im playing in Durant, OK tomorrow- come if any of you are close! ON the road again...

Monday, February 14, 2005

The Only Man in Yankton, South Dakota

I am the only man in Yankton, South Dakota. Let me explain.
The night before last I played a show in Nebraska, just a few miles south of here. It was for a Community Kids organization and it was a blast. The organizers were cool- we got along well, and the kids all knew the music and we had a good time playing and talking to everyone all night. This bunch of highschoolers even asked me to come over to their house and watch a movie- made me feel pretty old- I opted for the pleasure of a decent bed and a call from Holly. They all went to the same church and invited me to come- so the next morning I went out and found this little community church. It was great- felt like family- everyone greeted and asked and invited... it was good. Things like that are seldom and far-between sometimes. I went to lunch with a family and they bought- I was riding high.
Just a short drive up the road to Yankton. The smell of Cows and the sound of the road are my only company on the road. No cars. I mean, none. Ok.
I pull into the Days Inn. Mine is the only car in the lot. Hmmm. That never means good things for the quality of a stay.. but in this case, I was wrong. It was fine. Just the only guy there.
After talking to Holly for a bit, I decide that I would go see a movie to pass the time. Boogeyman. I dont recommend it. I was the only person in the Mall where the theatre is. I was the only person in the theatre. No- not just where the seats are. I mean the whole building. Me and the ticket-taker, who was really excited that I was there. I watch the movie- shake off the chills it gave me, and head out to find some dinner.
Now, I have a weakness. Bad Chinese restaraunts. If I was Superman- General Tso's chicken would be my kryptonite. I see some generic chinese food place and think- why yankton? If I were an immigrant, I would not have chosen South Dakota for starting my chinese food empire... but ok. It was decent enough. Not exactly Evergreen (Garrett?) but it did what it was supposed to. I look around half way through dinner and realize i am the only person in the Lucky Dragon or the Happy Fun or whatever it was called. Me and the smiling owner- who is looking at me trying to decide if i like the food or not. I smile and raise a little chopstick toast to him. He seems satisfied and brings me the bill.
I go back to the Hotel. Still no one there. The night desk is even empty. Blade II is on TV for the third time since I have been on the road. Well.... ok. Why not? I watch it and talk to Holly and wonder if all the people just hide when they see me coming. I imagine that this would make a good start to a horror movie. The only man in Yankton. Well- the concert is tomorrow- and hopefully I wont be the only person there, too...
Today is Valentine's day, and I am a long way from the one I love... but Im for real when I say that it makes it easier to know how much love and support she gives me, not to mention all the sacrifices of time and money she has made to be married to a idiot like me. For those things, and many more- I love her so much... even when it feels like Im the only man in Yankton.

oh- and i found a great singer/songwriter that I like these days. Andy Davis check him out. If you like me- you'll like him too. TJ

Friday, February 11, 2005

God is Smarter than Me

I really have trouble believing that God has it all under control. There are times that I am just sure that something cant happen- something that I need or really want. I stew and stew about it, try and make something happen- force it- and then when I fail or give up, God hands it over with not much problem at all.
I was sure that no one would come to the Searcy show. I really hadnt promoted it at all and only had a few flyers up.
I get there and expect a few people at a little coffee house off the campus- and I walk in to see about three hundred and fifty kids packed into this place waiting for me to get there an hour before I started playing. It was great. I really had a blast playing and telling stories all night long. There were several people I knew there- kids who had gone to the Dominican and kids from Park Plaza... it was a great start to this tour. The night before that had been good too- at Central Methodist. I expected an empty room and I got thirty eager students who all bought CDs. One of these days I guess i might trust that God has a plan and that I can only prepare myself as best I can.
Today i am in Russelville, AR and I am playing at Arkansas Tech. I played the lunch hour and it was ok- basically a good time to practice- no one really listens at lunch- but tonight I am playing in the same place for a group of students who I think will be excited for me to be there- There are at least three crazy blondes who are pumped that I am here. They kind of follow me around Arkansas. I have to say Im kind of flattered.
I have decided to catalog the good things that have happened in the last month. I think it will help me see what God is doing when it is harder to recognize. There are times when I feel down about this stuff- like im wasting my time. But it is these things that fall into my path that keep me convinced that Im still doing the right thing. The list- tomorrow. for now- ill go and play a show and try to sing and talk and act out the story of God in my life.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Leaving Sucks

So this morning I left a soft, warm bed with a beautiful woman in it (yes, my wife, Holly) to drive thousands of miles into nasty weather and be gone for over three weeks. I have to say, I am as unhappy to leave as I have ever been. I am glad for the shows and excited for the opportunity to sell Cds and sing about the Lord, but this one is hard. We had thought that we would be traveling together by now- the more we did this we realized it would take longer than that to get there. It is hard to do something that you know that you are supposed to be doing, and also leave the person you know that you are supposed to be with. My prayer right now is that the month is unusually short and that the joy of doing what I know I am most effective doing outweighs the sadness of being in South Dakota on Valentine's Day. Ugh.
The CD is selling well and getting good reviews, there are several people who are actively helping me to get it into the hands of "important" people, and I have had a great two months at home during the Holidays. I just still have this feeling that I can be doing this better- more effectively. That maybe shows outside of my "fanbase areas" arent helping, but hurting my growth. We have both decided that we see so many doors opening rather than closing, and until that changes, we will do this as best we can. Im just wondering what that will look like. In any case, I still believe that God is blessing this CD and that he is using it in some cool ways. Im still humbled and honored to be a part of that- Im not down about the way things are going- Im just trying to be honest and take a hard look at the truths and how this can be even better than it is. Thanks yall for your support and love- Keep praying for me and that God would open and close doors- and give me eyes to see them! Love yall- TJ